Until I did care. My dad had an old truck he no longer drove. I had tried to buy it on several occasions, but he didn't want to sell it. After my dad passed, I asked my mom about it and she said she was keeping it. About six months later, she gave it to one of my sister's kids. I just sucked it up and didn't stir the pot. But I was very angry.
After Mom passed, my sister and her family got greedy when dividing up the estate. After it was settled, my brother and I cut off communication with our sister. There was much resentment there.
I'm sure my mom knew my brother thought that our sister was getting favorable treatment. What I don't know is how much she knew I resented it. My point is that one child received a lot less because he didn't ask for much.
I always felt my parents needed to accumulate what they could during their working years to carry them through their retirement years. My sister always had her hand out. I regret not pointing out my objections while Dad was alive.
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You are all a product of your family's work-to-eat policies and some fared better than others. Your sister put her hand out a lot, and that entitlement stayed with her. She did not have the same professional or economic success as you have had. The "bank of Mom and Dad" was a constant source of cash, but it may not have encouraged her to invest in her future. Why should she? She had monetary support whenever she needed it.
You, however, were brought up differently, as sometimes happens, even within the same family. It may be because your father was less financially insecure when your sister got older or, as you say, it could be due to different treatment based on gender, or it could be old-fashioned favoritism. As hurtful and unfair as the latter seems, it happens. Whatever the reasons, it made you the man you are today. Correction: You made you the man you are today.
It could be all you want to hear is that your parents did not treat their children equally, and have somebody acknowledge that. You are now in your 60s, after all, and this still hurts. And that's OK. Most of the people who are in therapy in their 40s, 50s and 60s are likely talking about their childhood and how that has influenced their actions and their emotional and mental health in adulthood. Our formative years are zero to eight, and yours were probably hard.
Your tween and teen years were burdened with the kind of work that would not be legally permitted today. According to the U.S. Department of Labor: "The Fair Labor Standards Act (FLSA) sets the minimum age for employment (14 years for non-agricultural jobs), restricts the hours youth under the age of 16 may work, and prohibits youth under the age of 18 from being employed in hazardous occupations." As a child, you survived a potentially dangerous job.
You ended up studying engineering, which may or may not be connected to your experience working as a young boy. Anne Rice, a licensed therapist and owner of Firefly Wellness Counseling, which is based in the Atlanta area, has reflected on upbringing and the impact that has on our money habits as adults. "From a very young age, children are often witnessing their parents' reactions to bills, moments of financial stress or abundance," she says.
Parents might fight over money, spend recklessly or act like they're going to go broke any minute. "These seemingly mundane occurrences are the building blocks of our financial mindset," Rice adds. "If a child grows up in an environment where money is a source of tension or scarcity, they may internalize fear or anxiety about finances. Conversely, if money flows freely without much discussion or restraint, they may adopt a more carefree or spendthrift mentality."
How does this help you? If you reflected on your upbringing, either with or without the help of a therapist or a financial psychologist -- preferably "with" -- you may accept your sister for who she is, and either decide to let go of your feelings of resentment towards her and see that she was just as much a "victim" as she was "beneficiary" of your parents' largesse. She was given a free pass, while you were working at 12 years of age. Neither was a perfect example of parenting.
At least one of you managed to find financial stability and independence. You have survived and flourished, but there's no point in getting everything we have worked hard for in life, if we don't allow ourselves to be happy and enjoy it. For that reason, it would be wiser to spend less time ruminating over what your sister, mother and father could have done better, and work on making things right for that 12-year-old kid who spent his childhood rewiring houses.
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