Do you ever feel like you're mentally all over the place? Like your moods ping-pong around erratically and unpredictably? If so, you probably wish you could feel a little less at the mercy of external events -- able to stay cool and keep your calm no matter what was happening.
Of course, there's nothing wrong with feeling any emotion. And it's normal for our emotions to fluctuate. However, some people can control their emotional reactions and stay mentally sharp better than others.
While there are many reasons for this -- from genetics and upbringing to how much sleep you got last night -- here's what matters most: The ability to be strong and mentally sharp as you get older comes down to better habits.
Metacognition means thinking about your thinking. More specifically, it's the ability to be aware of and assess what's going on in your mind -- thoughts, emotions, beliefs, moods, expectations, self-talk, etc.
Most of the time our minds are on autopilot -- stuff happens and we react:
The more you ignore your mind, the more your behaviors become reactions rather than choices. And this leads to a lot of emotional volatility and stress:
On the other hand, if you can learn to pause and observe what's happening in your mind, you allow yourself to act intentionally and purposefully. Stop trying to control your emotions and learn to be curious about them instead.
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Most people spend their time thinking about whatever grabs their attention. Whether it's doomscrolling social media or fantasizing about a new car, our minds are easily pulled from one thing to the next, often with very little deliberation on our part.
Here's the problem with that: The contents of your thoughts determine the contents of your moods. Think about it:
If you want to change how emotional you feel, you've got to change what you spend your time thinking about. Unfortunately, this can be tough:
To free yourself from unhelpful thinking patterns -- and the painful feelings they produce -- you must learn to control your attention. But here's the thing: Your ability to control your attention is a muscle. And if you don't exercise it, it will remain weak. This means your mood and emotions will be at the mercy of whatever comes to mind.
Frequent attention shifting can lead to several disadvantages, including decreased task performance, reduced accuracy, impaired working memory, and potential negative impacts on learning and decision-making, particularly when switching between complex tasks or when dealing with distractions. A 2022 review concluded that shifting focus can consume cognitive resources, hindering the ability to fully engage with the current task at hand.
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Self-compassion is a somewhat technical-sounding term for a very simple idea: When you're struggling, treat yourself like you would treat a good friend.
Most of us have this strange habit of beating ourselves up and being overly self-critical anytime we make a mistake. This is especially ironic since, at the same time, we're usually incredibly compassionate and understanding when other people make mistakes!
Unfortunately, most of us learned growing up that the "secret" to success and happiness in life is to be hard on yourself. Like the tough drill sergeant yelling at his recruits, we mistakenly learn that being tough on ourselves prevents failures. Except, that's not true.
Most people succeed despite their self-judgment, not because of it. Most people could be both far more effective and far happier if they stopped beating themselves up for every failure or misstep.
Because when you beat yourself up for making a mistake, you only add more painful emotion and stress onto the original frustration or sadness that goes along with making mistakes. If you want to avoid these spikes and spirals of painful emotion, learn to practice self-compassion instead of self-judgment.
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Much of emotional strength involves learning better ways to respond to difficult emotions and moods so that they don't explode out of control. But the initial difficult feelings are often inevitable:
All of which means, you have to be able to get on with life despite feeling bad. Just like a runner needs to be able to keep running despite feeling tired if they want to finish the race, you need to be able to live your life despite feeling difficult emotions.
Because really, what's the alternative? You can't wait around to do important things with your life until you feel perfect. That's a recipe for chronic procrastination and regret.
But doing even small things when we feel bad emotionally is tough, no doubt about it. The trick is to build up your emotional tolerance.
The only way runners can keep going for so long even though they're tired and in pain is because they've built up their tolerance and strength. They started with running a couple of miles until they got stronger, then worked up to 5 miles as they got stronger, then 10, and on and on.
A lack of emotional tolerance, often referred to as low distress tolerance, can lead to several negative consequences, including increased risk of substance abuse, maladaptive coping mechanisms like avoidance or suppression, difficulty managing stress, and potential development of mental health issues like anxiety and depression, exceptionally when intense negative emotions are poorly tolerated or avoided altogether.
A study published in the Journal of Research in Personality recommended Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), which often addresses this and focuses on improving distress tolerance skills.
Well, emotional tolerance works the same way. You have to practice feeling bad if you want to get better at feeling bad and getting on with your life anyway.
So, the next time a difficult emotion hits you, instead of asking How can I not feel so bad? ask yourself this: How can I use this as an opportunity to improve my emotional tolerance?
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Most people hear the term assertive and they think rude or pushy. But in reality, assertive communication isn't rude or pushy at all. Assertiveness is the healthy middle ground between passive communication and aggressive communication:
Why does this matter for emotional strength and managing difficult moods? Here's the deal:
When you habitually avoid external conflict, you end up creating internal conflict. This happens most often when people are overly passive in the way they communicate:
Here's the problem with being so passive and overly accommodating of others:
Now think about it, if your self-esteem is low, you're full of frustration and anxiety, and you're resentful of your most important relationships, how effective are you going to be trying to manage more difficult emotions on top of all that? Yeah, not very.
On the other hand, when you learn how to be assertive, your ability to be strong and balanced in the face of difficult emotions goes way up because your self-esteem and confidence are much higher.
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